


Comfort And Abandon

by unveiIings



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Coming Out, Drunk Alex Danvers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, I'm Sorry, Sanvers Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 17:57:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11257998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unveiIings/pseuds/unveiIings
Summary: Alex is drunk and in love, but not with her boyfriend.





	Comfort And Abandon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [queercapwriting (queergirlwriting)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queergirlwriting/gifts).



> For Sanvers Week. It started out as agnst to fluff, idk what happened. Pure angst. Oops.
> 
> Warning: Internalized homophobia and depictions of drunken "consent". Nothing too too heavy, but things effect people differently so proceed with caution.

> Alex wishes he were Maggie.

She wishes it were Maggie's hands on her waist and Maggie's breath against her neck and the soft rhythm of Maggie's voice whispering in her ears. Wishes it were Maggie pressing kisses against her jaw, and Maggie's grip on the hem of her shirt, and Maggie's body invading her space. Just wishes he were Maggie.

So when Max offers her a drink, she gladly accepts. She's already on her second but she accepts because maybe if she has another, she'll forget that she feels this way, forget that every time she looks at her best friend and falls a little harder, she's letting her mom down a little bit more, forget that she might not be straight, might not be perfect, forget that Max only wants her body, but Maggie wants to make her happy, forget Maggie.

But, Alex also accepts because she knows from experience that if she keeps filling her body with alcohol, eventually, _eventually_ his hands will start to feel like hers and if she closes her eyes when he presses his lips against her own, maybe she can imagine that his lips are hers, too. Maybe she imagine Maggie's body pressed against her own and Maggie's breath mixing with her own.

So she accepts his offer and drowns her thoughts and feelings in alcohol and doesn't stop until she can she the bottom of the red cup, and the bottom of another, and another. By the time Max places a hand on her hip and tugs her toward the stairs, she can barely walk and her mind stumbles when she tries to form a coherent thought.

"I d-don't f-f-feeeel s-" she hiccups, but Max only smiles and drops his hand lower.

"Don't worry, babe," he coos. "I'm going to take such good care of you." And even with her world spinning around her, she hears the double meaning in his words, and she begins to shake. Shake because they've been together for two months, and she's told him that she's not ready, but he's been getting more and more impatient, and his touches are getting less and less gentle, and when he complements her, she can hear the ulterior motives. Shakes because his hands are not Maggie's (not gentle, not inviting), and his lips aren't Maggie's (they're too rough), and his voice isn't Maggie's (not comforting, not like coming home). Shakes because it's the only reaction her body will allow. Shakes because she won't say no, not this time, not when the ulterior is thinking about how Maggie's lip would fit around hers, thinking about how her skin would feel underneath Maggie's fingertips, thinking about how smart Maggie is and how wonderful she is, thinking about her best friend in ways she shouldn't.

So, no.

She won't say no, because, sure, she hates herself for it, but she'd hate herself even more if she let herself love Maggie. So she lets Max lead her upstairs, let's him push the bedroom door open, and lay her on the bed and take off her shoes one by one. There are tears in her eyes, but Max doesn't see them. He only hears her hiccup of a _yes_  when he asks if she's sure. And when he kisses her, messily, and open-mouthed, and with too much tongue, she smiles because he's not Maggie, and when he kisses her like this, she won't imagine he is. (Because Maggie would have noticed the tears in her eyes, but she doesn't let herself think about that.)

But then Max is pulling away and he's shaking his head, and his eyes are soft and red and disappointed and sad.

"Wait," he's saying as Alex chases his mouth with her own--missing the distraction. "I-I don't--not like this," he sighs, running a hand through his hair. He pulls his shirt back on swiftly, tossing Alex's back at her. "You- you're drunk, and your Maggie's girl, and just-"

"I'm not-" Alex begins to protest, although she's not sure what she's about to protest--being drunk or being Maggie's girl--before Max interrupts her with gentle kiss to her temple.

"I won't be the pathetic guy that hopelessly pines after the girl who's in love with someone else."

Alex is shaking her head, and Max is backing away, but then light is pouring into the room, and Maggie Sawyer is standing in the doorway, her hand still on the light switch and her eyes narrowed into slits as she takes in the sight of of a topless, crying Alex, and a messy-haired Max.

"Max, what the hell?" Maggie bites, her voice hard and angry. Angry at Max because, god dammit, Alex is her best friend and she refuses to let some asshole, or anyone for that matter take advantage of her. Angry at herself because maybe if she'd reminded Alex of smart and extraordinary she is, reminded her of how she didn't need Max, Alex wouldn't be crying through what was almost her first time.

"Relax, Sawyer," Max says. "party's over. We were just having a little fun." 

"Looks to me, like you were the only one," Maggie responds without missing a beat as she points out the tears in Alex's eyes, the haziness of her expression, the trembling of her hands.

Alex immediately pulls the blanket up to her chest because suddenly she can't help feeling exposed under Maggie's concerned eyes, and Maggie's heart breaks at the sight. She's across the room in the three quick strides, ignoring Max's frustrated glare as she instantly sinks onto the mattress before Alex.

"Whatever," Max spits, fixing his shirt and his hair with conviction, reminding Alex that he's still very much an asshole. He glowers between the two girls for a moment before shaking his head. "Have fun with your girlfriend, Alex."

But Alex doesn't hear him, because at the moment Maggie Sawyer is the only thing on Alex's mind. She clutches the blanket to her chest, eyes wide as Maggie stares back at her, a sadness, an anger that Alex has never seen before painted on her features.

"I-I'm sorry, Maggie," Alex whispers, as Maggie picks up Alex's shirt from her lap, and softly pries the blanket from her hand so she can slip it back over her head. She uses her thumb to wipe the tears from Alex's cheek, her heart swelling at the broken look worn by the face of the girl she loves.

"No. Don't apologize," Maggie is saying  as she gathers Alex in her arms. "It's him who should be sorry, not you. Him. And me. I shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry. Did he hurt you? Are you okay. Did h--"

"He didn't. Nothing happened. He said...he broke up with me bec-" bright red-dyed eyes blink up at Maggie, before falling to the sheets that covered the mattress. Alex holds her tongue, uses the feeling of Maggie's arms wrapped around her, the brush of Maggie's dark hair against her cheek, and the wash of her breath against her face, to keep the confession safe behind her lips.

But Maggie knows her better than she thinks. Maggie didn't spend years learning Alex's secrets, and painting Alex's nails on the bathroom floor,and scheduling around sister nights, and threatening boys who weren't good enough for her, and holding her in her arms after break ups, and picking up the pieces whenever her mother broke her spirit, and falling in love with her-- _god_ , falling in love with her--to not know Alex.

Maggie lifts Alex's chin with her finger tips, guiding brown eyes to brown eyes, as she tilts her head in that knowing way that Alex has grown to love.

"Why did he break up with you, Al? Was it because you wouldn't sleep with him, because if it was I swear to god, I'll-"

"He said he doesn't want to be with someone who's in love with someone else."

And then Alex is pulling away, because if she pulls away first, she won't have to feel Maggie let go. Won't have to feel her heart break. She misses the warmth of Maggie's body against her own, but she won't succumb to what she so desperately wants. She's lets herself separate from her best friend, lets the intoxication of Maggie's proximity leave her.

"Can you blame him? Can you blame me?" Alex says, continuing. "You're, like, you're--" and Maggie realizes this is about her, that the someone else Alex is in love with is her.

"You're drunk, you don't know what you're saying," Maggie tells her, and the last thing she wants is to invalidate Alex's feelings, but for fuck's sake, if Alex is saying what Maggie thinks she is, then all of these feelings Maggie's been holding inside are reciprocated, are real, and are just, and Maggie can't imagine making this real. Can't imagine loving a best friend who loves her back.

"No, I mean, yes. Yeah, I'm drunk, but-but I- I know what I'm saying and just because I'm drunk, it doesn't mean-- I mean, I say things I'm too scared to say when I'm sober, not things I don't mean, and I-. It's you. Yo-"

"Alex..." Maggie says sadly.

"I love you. And I hate myself for it because I'm not supposed to love you, to love girls. I'm supposed to want to be intimate with boys, not my best friend, and tomorrow I'll hate myself even more for telling you this, but I love you. I do."

And Maggie's heart breaks for the hundredth time that night as she watches the girl who has always been so strong, so put together, fall apart before her. And she wants to gather the broken pieces in her hands and put them back together with _I love you_ 's and _you're real'_ s and _loving girls is okay_ 's, but Alex is drunk and scared and when she wakes up in the morning she'll be sober and scared and Maggie will have to tell her, so Maggie keeps the words to herself and pulls Alex back in, holding the taller girl against her chest. She let's her cry, let's her wet het favorite shirt and blubber muffled apologies against her chest until her breathing evens out, until her sobs subside and sleep claims her, with an unspoken promise that the conversation will be had in the morning, if Alex still wants to. It isn't until she's sure her best friend is sound asleep that she let's her own confession linger in the air.

Lets the "I love you" she's been thinking for so, so long finally leave her lips. And it feels so, so, good.

And she can't help thinking that if her dad hadn't caught her trying to push away her feelings for Alex by kissing Eliza Wilke, if her dad wasn't sending her away across the country to live with her aunt, if she weren't leaving behind the only girl she ever really loved, maybe it would feel so much better.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't edit this at all, oops?


End file.
